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Review The Mortal Instruments:City of Bones (2013): Fell into the deepest sleep possible, have yet to wake up!

genre:fantasy, adventure

Sometimes you come across a title that has you stumped. Not because I have mixed feelings about it. No, in this case because I simply can't believe how bad it was. Even the first Twilight was moderately entertaining before it propelled into the worst excuse for a movie franchise ever. The Mortal Instruments in my opinion has no right of existence cinematically speaking. Trust me if I say that I tried very hard to find something to speak in favour of this production. But even the well established actors who normally are competent are at their worst.

First and major problem is the director Harald Zwart, who? Exactly! You can't just use any director to bring magic to the screen. Someone is needed who can handle the genre. With so many directors to choose from this name puzzles me to no end. Since he has no previous experience making fantasy films. I grant him the remake of The Pink Panther and Agent Cody Banks although they had strong leads that helped him a lot. The way he goes from event to event is astounding. There is no sense of emotion attached to it at all. Most of the actors say their lines as if they are expected it to be cut and replaced by voice actors. And then Harald doesn't do anything inventive to dazzle you. 

One example of his lack of vision or incompetence is the big action scene with the vampires (Are there vampires in this? Cool! Nah, the vampires in here are even worse than the glittery ones in Twilight. How is that possible? I know right!). Our heroes are put against their enemies in this large room and in the distant you hear something resembling a techno beat. Instant flashback to Blade. Oh yeah,bring it on........Wait what?......Is that techno? No! Is it trance? No! Hmmmm not any EDM (Electronic Dance Music) style I know off. Honestly how hard can it be to add a heart pumping dance beat? After the initial shock of being let down by the music. I was preparing myself for some exhilarating and well choreographed action.......What? Does that even qualify as action? Even my grandma has more groove in her back. No,no,no, another disappointment. It looked like kids fighting with stick swords in a school play. Which is an insult to those kids because they would have performed it with much more enthusiasm and heart. 

In the beginning Mortal Instruments had a heavy Harry Potter vibe going on. And to be frank, I was ok with this. Then Harald Zwart changed his mind and went all cuckoo and took it away. He went where no one ever should go again. He went all glittery on us. You guessed it. He went to that franchise i have named several times but actually should never be named again. Twilight. This becomes obvious when out of nowhere loves comes into play. Which brings me to the lead,Lily Collins is a pretty girl,no doubt. But after having seen her in Mirror Mirror and in this surely even studio executives must admit more is needed than good looking people and the hint of sex alone. Oh yeah, the love triangle here is hilarious. Two male actors who seem gayer than gay supposedly both are in love with Lily Collins. The drama between them makes Twilight look like Shakespeare. (Ouch,that hurt deep inside just saying that.)

 Do I really need to get into the visuals and style? Apart from some neat monsters and special effects concerning them there was no style. Pretty much everything is as bland as it can get. Only the cities (Toronto and New York) look as impressive as ever. Any one with a decent camera can film on those locations. Haven't you read enough? Please don't let me continue!

Is this worth your time? 
Maybe it is not fair of me to answer this since I could not find anything positive when watching this film. In the name of righteousness and all that I do want to at least be somewhat democratic. So let me ask some of my homies.

What say you little pup?

Well, that is very clear. Sorry pup to have you put through that ordeal.

What say you Mrs. P? 

Mrs. P.,where are you?

Just in. Mrs. P. was watching this film and then fell into the deepest sleep possible. It has been two days now. She has yet to wake up. 

I think this says it all. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, stay clear from this production. 
It's horrible!

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